There's an interesting post over at Jewish Atheist: apparently, a year after posting about intermarriage and interdating, he's still getting comments about it.
I just posted mine:
In my experience -- my first marriage was to a non-Jewish woman, my wife of 14 years is Jewish -- a marriage is more than just love, a commitment to an individual involves more than just that individual, and there are modes of communication, philosophy and spirituality where you may (or may not) find, over time, that you are profoundly different in basic ways from a spouse who comes from an entirely different faith tradition and cultural background.
This doesn't doom the relationship to failure. It just means that love, which supposedly conquers all, really has its job cut out for it.
We are blinded by the popular notion of romantic love. We are told, and tend to believe, that it's this elixir you drink with another person, that gives you both superhuman strength to withstand all trials and tribulations. That's a load of crap. A love relationship usually can't thrive in isolation. It's supported by a web of friendships, associations, support networks, and, yes, even beliefs.
My brother is married to a woman who's an Episcopal priest. They've had a fine married life, but that's partly because her beliefs were central to her, and he had none. He let her beliefs be the guiding principles of the home and of their parenting of their only child. [NOTE TO BROTHER: IS THAT A FAIR CHARACTERIZATION?]
All of which is to say: we all build our own places of worship, whether we know it or not.
What do you think?
--T.A.
It's not an unfair characterization, but it's not entirely accurate either. While I have no "beliefs" in the sense of a religious tradition or faith practice, I have strong beliefs about how to live morally and ethically in the world that is consistent with Judeo-Christian values. Our daughter has learned on her own to reject the trappings of Protestantism and regress to the mean of my agnostic belief system. If she ever embraces a faith tradition, however, it's more likely to be either one like Buddhism or the one in which she was raised -- Protestantism.
Posted by: Ally | August 21, 2007 at 10:10 AM
The real questions here should be, Are both parties involved committed to finding the tools to keep the marriage alive and to make it work for the rest of their lives? If your in love and not compatible, its going to be a long hard journey.
Posted by: perplexed | August 21, 2007 at 02:34 PM
Hello David
Great post and I think your comments are extra special poignant to me because my own wedding is just around the corner (four weeks away). However I think you've just scratched the surface of this topic and I hope you follow it up with will more in detail. I'd like to hear what you have to say about these various aspects of life as as a couple.
Lastly as I see it, although love may able to conquer all it is not meant to replace all and therefore needs to be tempered with/by many other considerations.
Great post, seriously, and I hope you follow up on what you've started here.
Posted by: TikkunGer | August 21, 2007 at 03:44 PM
Love is, as they say, an action and not just a feeling. It takes work to overcome any profound differences between individuals - and those differences will arise, no matter what your "faith background."
Posted by: Tom Strong | August 22, 2007 at 01:52 AM
I'm probably the most exogamous person you'll ever meet. People who are like me bore me. I bore myself.
But actually I don't know anyone who's like me, or like each other. The uniformity of a cultural tradition is like the uniformity of uniforms: a camouflage for the irreconcilably uni(que)-forms underneath.
Isn't your wife like an alien to you, despite the religion you share? Isn't that almost the definition of marriage? You go into it with delusions of compatibility. It's sheer projection. God made no two alike.
Posted by: amba | August 22, 2007 at 02:09 AM
Fascinating topic. I feel sorry for anyone who really believes that "love conquers all." I always wanted to get a t-shirt that read, "Love is not enough!" There are SO many other things required for any relationship to work.
Posted by: Danny | August 22, 2007 at 06:11 AM
I do believe there was a time when love could conquer all. I still believe it exists, finding it will be the challenge. the older I get, the more I convince myself that 15 or 20 years with somebody you really love will be worth the wait and the struggle. But what if I'm wrong, what if contentment was truly the key. I too was married almost 14 years and it failed. Am I holding back? Do I want to give what I gave in the first marriage, or what I thought I gave. Its such a different time now, we are more informed and less tolerant. The only reason that I would marry again would be love and you know I would still think love could conquer all.
Posted by: perplexed | August 22, 2007 at 08:27 AM