Copyright 2004-2008

  • David Gottlieb. All rights reserved.
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"I Am Legend." My response: "No, you're not."

A few evenings ago, while off on vacation with Gabe, we went to see Will Smith in I Am Legend. We both were looking forward to seeing the film: Gabe for its special effects, me for the larger messages, and the reminder of seeing Charlton Heston in The Omega Man many years ago.

The film has some redeeming features. Like the special effects. The special effects are stunning. The zombies are horrifying because they are the epitome of humanity gone wrong; the deserted and desiccated streets of New York are haunting. It's so well done that you can't imagine (a) how they did it, or (b) how it could have been done any better.

And Will Smith can act. He loves his dog so much that your heart just breaks -- and you hate him -- when he repeatedly puts the dog in harm's way (of course, there's danger everywhere, and he can't help it).

But the movie has only two gears: slow, and shriekingly fast. It has only one real relationship: Will Smith and Samantha, his German Shepherd. It has sonorous pronouncements set to Bob Marley music, and violence in the name of some greater good that is never even vaguely defined as anything other than survival.

And the story is weak. It's worse than weak, actually: it's sanctimonious and vapid at the same time. Without giving the plot-line away for those who don't know it, I'll just summarize its message here:

We are a special society: a society of caring and healthy people who will guard each others' mutual best interests -- until, that is, we discover that we have zombies in our midst. Then, while looking for a cure, we have to put our family's interests above all others. While reaching out to the zombies, we also have to kill as many of the zombies as we can. We have to be willing to give our lives to kill zombies, so that we can retreat to our magical compound and restore our society to its rightful place as the loving but well-armed nation of diverse, fair minded, heat-packing, warm-hearted, cold-blooded killers.

What disturbs me is that the above paragraph could also serve as a passable summary of the Old Testament.

But I give the Torah four stars, whereas I give I Am Legend a mere one and a half.

--T.A.

Amba's "Freeze Tag" Meme

Amba tagged me for a meme that made me dig up some old treasures. Here it is, er, here they are.

  1. Name a book you want to share so much that you keep giving away copies. This is a tough one. I'm a part-time author and a bit of a solipsist. The only book I keep giving away is my own. However, I also keep giving away Mr. Gobley's We Are All Chosen, which, while not for everyone, is profoundly right for some. And if I really were generous and thoughtful, and wanted to dish out lots of copies of one important book, it would be Joseph Telushkin's A Code of Jewish Ethics. Or maybe Freakonomics...
  2. Name a piece of music that changed the way you listen to music. The answer, for some reason, is the track Night Train from Night Train, Vol. 1 by the Oscar Peterson Trio. A frustrated blues pianist and composer in my teen years, I went to an East Coast college where people didn't, couldn't listen to the Blues. Oscar Peterson had classical training and incredible chops. I remember a moment when listening to Night Train in my dorm room and understanding that every note Oscar Peterson played was a note he meant to play -- his muse spoke right through him, in real time, perfectly clearly. As a a white urban refugee at a stuffy Eastern school, I clung to this album, this track, and this moment as a kind of musical redemption.
  3. Name a film you can watch again and again without fatigue. If you're going to watch a movie "again and again," it's going to have to have a light touch. One would be Local Hero, with Peter Riegert and Burt Lancaster. Another would be Groundhog Day, with Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell. One more serious offering I'd love to watch repeatedly would be Rear Window, with Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly. I suppose the suspense of the Hitchcock classic, especially if experienced "again and again," would not only fatigue but perhaps kill me. But watching Grace Kelly would make it all worthwhile.
  4. Name a performer for whom you suspend all disbelief. Emma Thompson. I have told the One True Wife that Emma Thompson is the only woman I would leave her for. This is, of course, not true -- no matter how much Emma begs me -- but I can't help but adore beautiful women who tell the truth, and Emma Thompson, in all her roles, in every moment, impossibly, is always telling the truth, and even when made to look frumpy or nerdy, is radiant.
  5. Name a work of art you’d like to live with.  This work of art would take over any room, would take over my life, but I've spent hours staring at it, trying to get sucked into its living moment. So what the hell, I'd live with it, no matter how bad it looked over the TV. And that would be the French Impressionist Gustave Caillebotte's Paris Street, Rainy Day (1877). It captures a transformational moment in Paris, and in the life of the mind, through a rather ordinary moment in the life of the couple at the painting's center -- all moments moving together, toward you. All those moments are gone, but somehow have been granted damn-near eternal life by the artist. And they're right in front of you, large as life.
  6. Name a work of fiction which has penetrated your real life. I'm not quite sure what that means: does it mean I'm obssessed with it? Or that it's somehow changed how I live? I'll name two, one vast novel, one brilliant short story. The novel -- a racy, pulpy melodrama about a spoiled Victorian trust-fund baby who falls in love with a prostitute, is The Crimson Petal and the White by Michael Faber. It is ruthless and pretty real in its depiction of the schizophrenic grandeur/squalor of Victorian London, and of the violent collision of two appetites from the different lobes of London's tortured mind. The short story is Margaret Atwood's Wilderness Tips from the short story collection of the same name. It is a chilling and nearly perfect piece of fiction.
  7. Name a punchline that always makes you laugh. "I got just two words for you: Shut -- the fuck -- up." Robert DeNiro, to Charles Grodin, in Midnight Run.

This meme comes with no instructions on tagging, so no one's tagged. On the other hand, if you want to take a stab at it, feel free -- and be sure to let me know, so I can read your answers.

--T.A.

Ten Lessons Learned from James Bond

Saw Casino Royale over the holiday weekend. If I were from another planet (and I'm not saying I'm not), here's what I would surmise about life on Earth, if this movie were my only guide:

  1. The human body recovers almost immediately from blunt force trauma, deep cuts and slashes, cracked ribs and severe poisoning.
  2. People either have wings or are in the process of evolving them.
  3. The prettier a female of the species is, the more likely she is to die a terrible death.
  4. Human beings who are emissaries of the Dark Forces are immediately recognizeable by any of a number of prominent and frightening physical defects.
  5. The more ruthless and emotionless a man is, the more successful he is likely to be.
  6. The more beautiful a woman, the more likely she is to be attached to a ruthless and emotionless man, unless she already has fulfilled number 3, above.
  7. The preferred place of worship of the species is a table, covered in green felt, upon which a contest is played with small rectangular cards bearing ritual symbols.
  8. Human beings like to carry vast amounts of their currency in shiny handled boxes, sometimes called briefcases.
  9. No one actually works for a living.
  10. The ones with blue eyes are treated as if they are descended from the gods.

--T.A.

Borat: Beyond Comedy

I went with my sister, her boyfriend, the One True Wife and Gabe -- yes, our 11-year-old son -- to see Borat on Sunday.

I had mixed reactions to the film: while I laughed, at times until I wept, I also had reactions ranging from fear to intense shame. Even as a former actor, I was mortified by being in on the joke. Every time a new, unwitting dolt entered the frame, I felt like I was helplessly becoming an accomplice to a crime (and by that I don't mean taking my young son to the movie. With two older sisters, I think he knows more than I did at 18).

It amazes me that Russia may not show the film, and that the government of Kazakhstan is deeply offended by it. The only ones who come off looking stupid are Americans; the vast, malled landscape is ours, not theirs; the swollen, drunken, racists are ours, not theirs. We are fat, trusting, smiling, condescending hambones who will dance like circus bears for the camera. We look, in a word, pathetic.

In the midst of this, Sacha Baron Cohen lands like an alien. Never out of character -- even when his life might depend on dropping the ruse -- he shows us ourselves as only a foreigner could see us: alternately polite and vulgar, welcoming and fearful, arrogant and plain-spoken; possessed of cocksure confidence in our superiority, and really, in the end, just a slightly more hygienic version of the small-minded peasant village Borat purportedly comes from.

I guess what made me uncomfortable is that the people who know they're on camera try to come up with a little extra, and the extra they come up with is usually mortifying. This is when the movie eclipses comedy altogether and becomes a kind of tragedy: most people cannot stop themselves from trying to make an impression, no matter what kind.

Cohen is guilty of this, too, because sometimes the comedy is so disgusting it literally invokes awe.  Watching some of the really stunning scenes, I got the feeling that the film could ruin lives and stunt careers: not only those of some of the boors who unwittingly enter the joke that's played on them, but of Sasha Baron Cohen as well. And it's hard to laugh at that.

And perhaps most stunning of all: I'm not above any of it. I love the ugliness of it -- of us -- and I'll probably see it again.

--T.A.

There's a screeplay lurking here somewhere...

I simply couldn't resist the temptation to post some thoughts on this story about the enterprising hoteliers who booked, into the same hotel at the same time, families attending a soccer tournament -- and a swingers convention.

Let's see:

  • Were there clinics on juggling?
  • Did the kids get to practice the "Penalty Box Shootout"?
  • And what's with all the dribbling?!

Seriously, I can't believe this kind of thing hasn't happened before, although a more hilarious pairing (if you'll pardon the expression) is hard to imagine. America is so full of parents, on the one hand, trying to mold their kids, and grownups, on the other hand, who still want to live in the candy store; the kids probably were less perturbed by the goings-on than their chaperones, and certainly more grown up than their hotel-mates.

I'd like to option this idea for a screenplay. It would be rated NC-17; parents would see it and howl; kids of all ages would be titillated, just by the rating. There'd be the inevitable Mrs. Robinson-like proto-tryst, and the whole party would be busted up by a Brian Dennehy-like cop, who'd pick up a tart or two on his way home from the donut shop.

It would have one of the following names:

  • Headers
  • The Penalty Box
  • Offsides
  • Red Card
  • Soccer Sucks

--T.A.

Too True to be Good

From the "If I Had Made It Up, You Wouldn't Laugh" Department comes news that Mel Gibson is getting ready to make a nonfiction miniseries on the Holocaust. This may lead to an irreconcilable break with his dad, who claims the Holocaust never happened.

Just how is the right-wing Catholic son of a Holocaust-denier going to fill an entire mini-series, with the story of an event his dad says never happened, to a people he blames for killing his Christ?! Wow. Bet the Gibson family's therapy bills are skyrocketing.

As long as he's being a Servant of Truth, Mel might want to consider these other projects as well:

  • The Many Hurts of Hitler: the Mein Kampf Miniseries, in which young Adolf sings, sighs and paints his way to a reconciliation with Shayna Shtreibel, his tomboyish Jewish nemesis, thus averting the Holocaust (that, as we know, never happened).
  • Stalin for Time: The Real, Adorable Josef. Stalin actually collected dolls modeled after the Czar's family, and loved puppies. Who knew?!
  • Say -- It Ain't So, Joe! Poor Joe McCarthy was framed. He was just a prankster who loved curling and playing the spoons! The whole Commie thing was just a joke, fellas! The true story of dear ol' Uncle Joe, as told by the adoring nieces and nephews who loved him.
  • Pol Pot's Pot Party. That wacky Pol Pot: he wasn't killing millions of countrymen -- he was blissing out in the weeds! Had some pretty bad hallucinations, too: the real skinny.
  • Itty Bitty Idi: the Hippo's Best Friend. Mel tells the story of how we really got Idi Amin all wrong. He had a gift of communicating with hippos. Here, his favorite hippo -- who speaks! -- tells the story of how Idi (who never got over the Zionist movement's rejection of Uganda as the Jewish homeland) was a wonderful magician and storyteller who had a weakness for falafel and shwarma.
  • International Who? The Real Henry Ford. Henry Ford didn't really publish the famous anti-Semitic screed The International Jew. Well, he did, but it was a different Henry Ford. This Henry Ford read Torah, gave generously to Jewish causes, and secretly funded the Zionist cause. Oh, and he also had a wooden leg with an ashtray in it! Where do you think Bill Veeck got the idea?
  • The Truth About Booth: John Wilkes and his One Big Boo-Boo. At last, the truth can be told by Mel, who was there: John Wilkes Booth, a clumsy Lincoln devotee with Tourette's Syndrome, is just running to say hello to his boyhood friend when he swears, flinches, and accidentally hits a guard's gun, causing it to discharge into the back of Lincoln's head. In an effort to throw himself in front of the speeding bullet, Booth falls off the balcony, runs in shame, and -- well, the rest is history, but the way Mel tells it, it's also art.

Mel, if you hurry, you can option these ideas. Operators are standing by. (I'll make sure none of them are Jewish.)

--T.A.

We are all Batman

Spent the better part of yesterday afternoon in the dark with a bunch of strangers, being plunged into the sensory overload of Batman Begins. The genre of the post-9/11 Blockbuster reaches its apogee with this film (and, I presume, the even less subtle War of the Worlds, though I haven't seen it), in which our hero receives his training at the hands of nihilist extremists (whom he, of course, then destroys), and goes on to destroy half the city he's attempting to save -- in short, Team America without the sense of humor.

My 10-year-old son is enthralled by comic book adaptations now, and I'm aware that, on some deep level, he is being trained to believe what we've all bene trained to believe -- that battles are deeply personal, thrillingly cinematic, and always won by us, and that at the end, the good guy is not only left standing but has all his bleached teeth intact.

Still, the Batman films have been excellent at what they do, and what they mostly do is capture the cityscape of our nightmares. Our cities, as represented by Gotham, are rotting honeycombs -- galvanized graveyards that entomb the prosperous dead above the impoverished living. Gotham's streets receive no light, and its denizens are bad, bad people of all races and creeds who have been hopelessly corrupted by pure, unadulterated desire.

Christian Bale, the current incarnation of Batman, is better known in our house as the hero of Newsies, a musical film about downtrodden orphans in turn-of-the-century New York who rise up to topple corrupt newspaper owners. The adolescent Bale is dark, funny and charismatic, and can dance a bit, too. Here, of course, he is muscled and brooding in the grand Bruce Wayne tradition, the perfect American hero: rich, talented, principled, buff, and mad as hell.

He is also perfect because he adapts the techniques of his enemies to forge their undoing, and this is the deepest message that Batman offers -- a kind of ethos of New Age Terrorism. We all leave the theatre, whether we know it or not, resolved not just to be like Batman but to be Batman: we will patiently, grimly, furiously track our tormentors until we drive them insane. Death will be a relief to them, and too good for their kind.

All color has been drained out of Batman's world, but it is besotted with power. Only the fiendish  can turn it to their purposes, and only angry orphans with a Fortune 500 company at their disposal can redeem it. Symbols tower above reality, and power lives in glass and steel houses removed from street level and relieved of responsibility.

But even the wealthy are not immune to personal apocalypse. When Wayne Manor is burned to the ground by the hero's shadowy former mentors, Wayne resolves to rebuild it in perfect replica, "brick by brick." The faithful Alfred (the helplessly excellent Michael Caine) reminds his lord that the destruction is an opportunity to fortify the foundations and enhance the catacombs that have become the "Batcave" -- a metaphor that bludgeons us, if we've been too dense up to now to receive it: remain cheerily American on the outside, but be ready to replicate your smile, with the blade of a knife, on the throats of our enemies, at a cinematic moment's notice.

The evil are readily identified. They are some combination of the following: well dressed, corpulent, effeminate, accented, or martial arts experts. And they all mouth the platitudes one would expect of their kind.

Prior to the movie, we were treated to so many previews and commercials the audience began to get angry. Every preview was calibrated to the audience in attendance, so each was more like Batman Begins than the one before, and each was shot and edited in a way that sharpened one's anger to what was, by the time the movie began, a vengeful and psychotic edge.

The movie slaked our anger and devoured the enemies we had made during the previews. The evil were not only dead but incinerated in their own hurtling sarcophagi -- a clear, even unmistakeable post-9/11 revenge fantasy that our hero and his one-good-cop collaborator lived out for all of us.

Supposedly, a million people saw the fireworks over downtown Chicago last night. Most must have been blissfully unaware of the battles those fireworks were meant to honor -- and the future battles they were already evoking. Rest assured, however: those who had already seen Batman Begins were angry, vigilant, and ready, on your behalf, to destroy half your world in order to save you.

--T.A.

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