Copyright 2004-2008

  • David Gottlieb. All rights reserved.
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How to Stay Married Forever

OK, so as of Saturday I'll have been married 15 years, so I'm not really qualified to lecture on this subject. But that's never stopped me before.

I have other good examples to draw from, though, like me True Ann-Sister, who's been with Jacques for about 35 years, all of it on a roller coaster; and the Aged and Revered Parents, who recently celebrated their 66th wedding anniversary. That's as close to forever as I can imagine, in marital terms.

So here are 15 hints I can give you for staying married, one for each year that I've managed not to screw it up.

  1. Marry the right person. You can be forgiven for botching this one (after all, I did, the first time around). But if you do botch it, you might as well skip the next fourteen.
  2. Recognize that marriage is the Universe telling you that you're not the center of It (see number 6).
  3. Admit that the two of you will occasionally be attracted to others -- but resolve not to act on those attractions, especially if you have kids. A friend recently said to me, "I could never have an affair, because that would be being unfaithful to my kids." Even if you don't have kids, your marriage is part of a constellation of relationships. All those relationships will suffer if you have an affair. 
  4. Make the happiness of your significant other your first thought and action, and last thought and action, of the day.
  5. Go ahead and get mad at the other person, but then retreat until you can regain your perspective and your equanimity.
  6. Humility is the essence, and the enduring lesson, of matrimony.
  7. Become deeply familiar with your love's sense of humor, and play to it a little, every day.
  8. Same thing with their appetites for romance, sensual pleasures and whatever other talents they possess. Do all you can to support your love in what they're good at (and here's hoping they're good at the sensual pleasures part).
  9. My mom says "Never go to bed angry." I say, "It's OK to go to bed angry. Just be sure to write down your dreams that night."
  10. Never underestimate an angry silence.
  11. Make most of your gifts imaginative but inexpensive: you don't want to spoil the other person or blow your budget, and you want the really good and expensive gifts to be especially memorable.
  12. At least once a year, play a really good practical joke or spring a surprise adventure on your love. Predictability is one of the slow-working poisons of committed love.
  13. Love the ones s/he loves. And if you can't -- fake it.
  14. Go away on your own every now and then.
  15. Serve your love unswervingly through periods of illness and mourning. Nothing kills a relationship like selfishness in a crisis.

Tomorrow is Independence Day in the States, so, in honor of July 4, here's an extra truism:

  • Every day is Interdependence Day.

Feel free to chime in with other bromides. We marrieds will appreciate and use all available help.

Happy 4th. Happy Interdependence Day. Happy weekend. Happy Marriage. Shabbat Shalom. Ciao.

--T.A.

The Dream-Making Machinery of "Cooperstown"

Driving across the Eastern half of the United States with a passel of kids is an object lesson in land planning, transportation, parenting, patience -- and awe. A vast stretch of the drive arrows through open farm land, which begins to pitch and roll in western Ohio. More than one third of the drive from Chicago to Oneonta, New York -- which covers almost exactly 800 miles -- takes place within the state of New York, whose western and west-central valleys are shrouded in cloud and spotted with farms and moribund mill and manufacturing towns.

None of this prepares you for the odyssey that is Cooperstown -- a name which, in classic real estate practice, pours past the borders of the town proper and overflows onto the hungry hamlets that want and need to cash in. Such is the nature of baseball, and the industry it supports, that Oneonta, some 30 miles south of Cooperstown, sports a facility that calls itself "Cooperstown All Star Village" and which hosts a dozen week-long summer baseball tournaments for teams of 12-year-old boys from all over the country.

All Star Village's eight fields are immaculate miniatures of a major league facility: chalked-in foul lines embrace pea-gravel warning tracks and carefully mowed outfields around a pristine dirt-and-grass diamond. The drainage systems under these fields make it possible for games to be played even minutes after downpours -- a frequent occurrence in this moody, Appalachian ecosphere. Parents of kids on opposing teams are caged into segregated bleachers, next to the dugouts of their respective teams. This makes it harder for the parents to engage in confrontations while still being within earshot of their loved ones (and their coaches).

The fields sit at the foot of a steep hill, and tractor-drawn haywagons haul the fat and the disappointed back up the hill after games. The kids stay with their coaches in bunkhouses in the Players Village -- living, eating and sleeping baseball, away from the exhortations and scoldings of parents (and the prying eyes of pedophiles, I suppose). Parents are allowed into the village for one two-hour visiting period; otherwise, they see their boys only at games, or if they check the kid out of the village for a movie, a meal or some R&R.

For fun, the kids have a swimming pool, an arcade, and about 200 other kids from around the country to play with. There's serious work to be done, however, and there are batting cages where swings are readied prior to the 32 or more games played every day.

These are 21st century kids, though: they not only make prank calls, they do it from their cell phones, where they record the calls and upload them to YouTube. I'm not at all proud to say Gabe, hectored the helpless employee of a sandwich shop with his imitation of Stewie from Family Guy, then menaced someone else with a kind of Ricardo Montalban patois. The calls are preserved here, for some reason (click on "prank calls").

Each player comes to All Star Village with a supply of custom-made pins bearing his team's logo. The boys feverishly set about trading pins, collecting one from each of the 23 other teams in their tournament. I don't know who came up with this, but it's a fiendishly clever way to get the boys familiar with the other teams and kids (while stimulating the economy).

The games themselves are six innings long (or an hour 55 minutes, whichever takes longer). In our tournament, Gabe's team won 3 and lost 5, including two losses to the eventual tournament champion, the Palm Desert Toros, a group of 12-year-olds that probably could beat the Seattle Mariners straight up. California, Texas and Florida teams tend to play year round. The kids are terribly good, but one fears not only for their enthusiasm for the game but for their rotator cuffs, too.

Most kids are great sports and well-behaved -- "giving five" to opposing players who've just cleared the fences -- but there's inevitably at least one team that engages in trash-talking, much to the delight of its parental spectators. One team sported a first baseman estimated at 230 pounds, who hit a line-drive home run that surely would have killed any outfielder who tried to catch it. His tags on pickoff throws were so hard that kids on our team came away with bruises. Some teams' parents come equipped with percussion instruments and rehearsed cheers that can damn near kill your enthusiasm for the sport.

Every tournament is scheduled so that each team has time to make the pastoral journey up to Cooperstown proper and pay homage at the shrine known as the National Baseball Hall of Fame. The kids all visit the displays that feature their favorite teams (sadly, in our case it was the Cubs). The coach then led the kids to and let them climb the fence of Abner Doubleday Field, one of the oldest baseball fields in the U.S. and the self-appointed "shrine" to the game. "I knew it was against the law, but some laws just have to be broken," the coach said. The local constabulary was not amused, but the kids sure were.

The Hall of Fame itself was something of a disappointment. Located beyond a skein of t-shirt and memorabilia shops, the Hall overwhelms with its fussiness, and the PR bonhomie with which it breezes past the Steriod Era and its arch-villains to tout the sanitized saints of the game. Simply put, there's too much BS, and too much for kids to look at: too many shrunken baseballs and faded uniforms, too little video, and too little of the darker side of the big business of sport. The plaques to the Hall's members are mounted in a hushed, cathedral-like setting that's just short of comical in its sanctimoniousness.

Four of us dads rented a house -- really, it was just a trailer on a slab -- about seven miles from the baseball complex. Here, we were perched up high on 35 acres: us, a firepit, a 3-bedroom trailer and a grill. This afforded the primitive pleasures of drinking beer and criticizing the coaches, lounging under a canvas of stars and around a blazing fire, surrounded by a traffic-jam of fireflies. The flashes of the nightly thunderstorms, and the thrilling arc of the occasional shooting star, were no match for the fireflies, whose brilliance was the more astonishing because of its complete silence.

For fun we . . . watched baseball!, trooping into Oneonta to watch the Tigers of the New York-Penn league play at a revamped and intimate Damaschke Field (below) that felt more timeless and more present than Doubleday.

Damaschke Field

On our last night, we had all the kids and parents up to our double-wide. We barbecued dogs and burgers, guzzled beer (the kids stuck to Gatorade), and made s'mores over another roaring fire. To entertain themselves, the kids brought a bat and rubber ball and -- what else? -- played baseball until it was too dark to see. Watching them run improvised bases and smack the ball into the weeds and woods was a primeval pleasure.

What has stayed with me -- more than the baseball, the shrines, the kids and their careening joy at being the center of attention in a game of skill and chance -- is the unchanged and unchanging nature of the central New York landscape. It makes sense that baseball is enthroned here: there's nothing else. Like baseball, the landscape has cosmetic differences but an unchanging, almost regal nonchalance about it. Time moves its tiny metronome but is forbidden its grander gestures. The ghosts come out of the woods to watch every game.

It's been built. And come they do.

--T.A.

Where to go -- when you really need to go -- in L.A.

My niece has unveiled a blog that's witty and useful, ribald and resourceful.

Sh reviews bathrooms in public venues in Los Angeles. I think this is a brilliant idea, and one that she should publish in local papers.  Every coffee house, music store, and cafe she visits will be reviewed in the harsh fluorescent light of her wicked prose.

Be sure to check this blog if you're out in L.A.: you never know what's waiting for you in that stall.

My advice: don't go -- unless you go here first.

--T.A.

Road Trip!

Gabe and I begin a road trip to Cooperstown later this week -- well, actually, Oneonta. But in the grand tradition of real estate marketing, anything within a 50-mile radius of Cooperstown calls itself Cooperstown. Cooperstown is an idyllic little American village which houses both the baseball and soccer halls of fame, and has moved from calling itself the birthplace of baseball to the loftier and more profitable home of baseball.

Gabe will be playing in a week-long tournament at All Star Village, one of the area's giant baseball establishments catering to 12-year-olds and their fathers suffering fevered dreams of stardom for their above-average kids. All Star Village He'll play two games a day for at least three days against teams from Kentucky, Florida, California, Pennsylvania and Ohio.

Many of these kids will look like they're 16, and they'll hit our pitching like they were hitting off a tee.

I'm driving out with another dad and two kids. Some of my fondest childhood memories are of road trips -- an experience that may soon go the way of all flesh, given the price of gas. When you look at a map, you see that more than a third of the driving takes place within the state of New York, whose rolling hills and Appalachian affect I remember from summer camp. Cooperstown












I'll do my best to send a dispatch from our rental house -- which has WiFi! It's out in the country, seven miles from the baseball "factory," a glorified trailer plopped in the middle of 34 deserted acres, backing up to a state park. There, these two other dads and I will grill flesh and drink beer, bemoan the fate of our team and our youth, and get devoured by flying insects as another day of our life circles the drain.

I can't wait.

--T.A.

Middle Daughter, on the eve of 19

In a sari she had made in India (dirt cheap).

Ah, youth.

DSCN3957
















--T.A.

Going Negative

I'm in one of those periods in which my skin is incredibly thin, my patience terribly short. I'm hurting people around me, and their expression of hurt only pisses me off more, as if I'm the one being wronged.

I can discern a couple of contributing factors. One is my anxiety about going back to school. Another is the interrogations to which I'm regularly subjected about this midlife adventure, and the incredulity and condescension with which it's often greeted. I suppose if I were able to hold onto a shred of equanimity I'd see that some people are jealous, some are threatened, and most are just plain ol' surprised that a guy with a family and a mortgage and a decent job would chuck it all. They have every right to be surprised, don't they? Heck, I'm still surprised.

Another factor: I'm sort of between worlds right now -- still focusing a lot of energy on work, even though it's now official that I'll be cutting my hours back. People have begun to take over some of my duties. School doesn't start until late Fall. I feel a little untethered. I'm not so good at that.

Also, I'm not meditating enough. When spiritual discipline goes, everything becomes personal. There's a direct correlation between how much you cast yourself at the mercy of the Great Mystery, and how personally you take things. Of course, some things are meant to be taken personally. Still, when you viscerally understand how interconnected It all is, we all are, even the barbs aimed at you don't hurt so much. You have a better understanding of the force that propels them, and better medicine with which to salve the wound.

But when I'm feeling like this, I feel claustrophobic. I can't get enough space. Every interaction is an interruption. Everything nettles. The closer someone is to me, the harder I push them away. The One True Wife has had just about enough, and I guess I don't blame her. The Daughters, in various stages of transition out of the house, want nothing but space anyway, and are blissfully unaware. Gabe, whose life is still centered in the house, takes it all in and says not a word. But at times like this, he has a nickname for me: Mean. It's not an accusation -- it's a moniker.

Buddhism helps you cultivate a peaceful acceptance of even the unsatisfactory. Judaism sets you at odds with it. Buddhism goes with the flow. Judaism struggles upstream. Buddhism meditates. Judaism thinks, prays (equal parts petition, praise and thanksgiving) and thinks some more. Buddhism grows silent. Judaism grows loud. Buddhism opens its arms. Judaism takes up its tools. Buddhism nods and smiles. Judaism shakes its head and cries.

With all this turning around in the overheated dryer of my cranium, I have several simultaneous responses to every world event, every snotty remark, every casual injustice. I can't sort them out or express them clearly. On the one hand, I think I'm suffering from a wider syndrome, a kind of ethical hypochondria (on which Charles Martin waxes eloquent), in which all actions are weighed for their ethical and moral content, and, if found wanting, merit Fixing. On the other hand, I am sick unto death of fuming invective, obnoxious, anonymous commentary and high-handed judgment from people who have no skin in the game.

With the aid of my Zen training, I hereby rededicate myself to making peace with the Unsatisfactory. And, with the anchor of my Jewish soul and all to which it answers, I resolve to make peace with the Unsatisfactory by slowly, persistently, challenging it.

Starting with my self.

--T.A.

When you're up close at a baseball game,

you can see the distrust and loathing cross the players' mostly stoic faces as they come within earshot of the fans. You can see what the players and coaches do in the dugout when they think no one is watching: razzing opposing players and coaches, ogling women in the stands, imitating teammates' batting stances. And spitting -- lots of spitting.

You can see how the fans howl insults and pleas for attention in the same breath. "You suck! Throw me a ball!"

You can see how big and how specialized a professional athlete is. Every muscle, every piece of equipment, every tic, is, like every inch of the field, carefully considered, created and calibrated for the prevailing conditions.

You can see how the modern ballpark is built to distract us from the fact that we're not watching the game on TV. The frequent musical interludes, the cavorting mascots, the inane between-inning contests, the ADD-inducing scoreboard are all meant to function like commercials in real time, so that you're tempted to spend money on the products that cross your field of vision, and so that you don't have to concentrate on anything for an extended period.

However, with all that said: sitting in really good seats, with Gabe and two of his friends, and seeing a well-played ballgame, was a real MasterCard moment. The kids were so stunned by these seats they started waving hello to the ballplayers. "Hey, Mr. Young! Hello! Ozzie! Hey Ozzie: Hi!!!" The speed of the pitches, and the batted balls, made them yelp with terror and excitement.

And two majestic home runs by the hometown boys -- two rainbow arcs down the left-field line -- made them howl in glee, and high-five the guys behind them, who by this time were so drunk that the boys instantly became their new best friends.

Gabe got thrown a t-shirt by some nubile, dancing representative of Chevrolet. His buddy Jeremy, who'd never gotten a major-league ball in his life, got a ball tossed to him by one of the Minnesota Twins' coaches.

Last night, the game was replayed on a local cable channel. We watched it again, because, when the camera on the third-base line focused on a left-handed hitter, Gabe and his friends were clearly visible, two rows above the Twins' dugout. He loved watching himself on TV, having a great time with his friends, in the same picture frame as a major-league ballplayer (mercifully, I was just out of camera range most of the time). He got to watch a great ballgame twice in one day, he got a t-shirt from a cute girl, and he got to see himself on TV.

I hate to say it but:

Priceless.

--T.A.

Middle Daughter Gets Bit

Middle Daughter, possessed of a globe-trotting volunteer spirit, has become infected with something else: malaria.

Sometime during a couple of fun, eventful weeks teaching English in a small school in Tanzania; a brief "safari" (really just animal sight-seeing); and a Passover Seder in Dar es Salaam with most of the other Jews in the country), she must have been bitten by an infected mosquito. Despite having religiously taken her anti-malaria medication, she got the illness nonetheless.

People live with it and recover from it all the time. However, she won't be home until mid-May, at which time she faces gum surgery. Will they perform gum surgery on you if you have malaria?!

Having a kid that's sick on the other side of the world is a horribly helpless feeling. What can you do, short of helicopter parenting (of course, helicopters can't fly that far).

In other news, closer to home, Gabe continues to round into fine form as a left-handed pitcher. The neurosis surrounding the development of young baseball players has become so shrill, I e-mailed the coach of the Freshman baseball team at the high school Gabe will likely attend.

I asked him: Does a kid really have to play travel baseball and skip camp if he wants to play in high school? Does he really need lessons in this, that and the other? What does the parent of a 12-year-old who loves baseball need to do -- and not do?

To his credit, the coach said, 'Let him play and have fun. Don't worry about it.'

The coach was also Middle Daughter's gym teacher; he said to send his regards to her.

And I send her whatever healing vibes I can, in these anxious few weeks before she finally comes home.

--T.A.

What I'd do -- today -- if I won the lottery

As the youngest of my four sisters and I sat outside the parental cottage overlooking the Gulf of Mexico a couple of sunsets ago, we waxed philosophical, this sister and I, about what we'd do if we won the lottery (Florida sunsets, and a glass or two of wine, will do that to you).

My sister, far the kinder soul, said if she won $10 million, she'd give a million bucks to each sibling (that's $5 million right there, for those of you playing at home).

Turns out my sister and the One True Wife indulge in exactly the same regular reverie: they plan, in almost meticulous detail, what they'd do if they hit it big. The only catch: they almost never buy tickets.

So I daydreamed as we sat on the airport runway in Ft. Myers, waiting for a break in the snarling Spring weather so we could return to Chicago. Here's what I decided:

What would you do...?

--T.A.

No Security Detail? No Nanny? No Big Deal.

A New York Sun columnist gives her 9-year-old son a $20 bill, a couple of quarters in case he has to make a phone call the old-fashioned way, and a subway map, and sends him off to get home on his own.

And for this she's being castigated by some as a neglectful, even abusive parent? This makes me sick. And sad. (Last I checked on MSNBC's web poll on the subject, about 11,800 people had voted; 36 per cent said they'd let their 9-year-old ride the subway alone; 51 per cent said they wouldn't; 13 per cent were undecided.)

Permit me to sound old here for a moment: I grew up on the South Side of Chicago. OK, it was Hyde Park, which is its own little egghead universe, but still, it's an urban neighborhood. I took buses and trains downtown, starting when I wasn't too much older than the kid in the story linked to above. Hyde Park was bucolic and kind of quaint, but it was also an incubator for gangs (haunting graffiti I remember from 3rd grade, across the street from Mr. G's Supermarket: "City of danger/Streets of fear/Blackstone Rangers/All up in here"). I got my ass kicked or my bicycle stolen more than once, but the only time I remember being told not to go out after dark was during the 1968 Democratic Convention, when everyone in the city was on edge.

My brother and I spent evenings, weekends and, it sometimes seemed, entire summers outside, on our own. We played endless games of Capture the Flag, we played Strikeout against the wall of the Shoesmith School and later the Ray School; we played games of hide and seek that were so long that, who knows?, Pooky McGoldrick might still be hiding behind a tree somewhere along Dorchester Avenue.

We made frequent, larcenous trips to the Museum of Science and Industry, setting off alarms at exhibits we found objectionable (my brother and I still remember happy little dolls singing "Petrochemicals make the world a bet-ter place to beeee..." and setting off an alarm by punching one of them in the face. It was my brother, I swear).

Being a kid is risky. The risks in a city stem mostly from a higher concentration of people, and therefore a greater number (though not proportion) of creeps of one kind or another. If you're going to raise your kid in a city, give them the gift of autonomy as soon as they can handle it. One of the blessings of that gift is that you learn to notice your environment and watch out for yourself.

This mom deserves a medal. And so does the kid.

--T.A.

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