50

Tomorrow I turn 50.

I have very little to say on the subject. I find myself, unexpectedly, stunned and sad.

But I have learned a few things.

Instead of some emotional treatise, I'll offer here 50 things I've learned during this blink of an eye that may be helpful to you. They're in no particular order -- just the order in which they occur to me. Some will be platitudes; that doesn't mean I haven't experienced them to be useful and true. Some will be controversial and may generate more than the usual share of whacko, hate-filled, anonymous comments: oh, well. To commence:

1. Eating peanut butter with a spoon is good for you. It's gotta be. Somehow.
2. Sandals are for people with pretty toes.
3. 99 per cent of all political argument is a waste of time.
4. The other 1 per cent is a draw.
5. Anyone who calls you a name with "-ist" at the end had a very unhappy childhood.
6. Cultivate humility: get married.
7. Cultivate patience: have kids.
8. Cultivate compassion: volunteer more.
9. Cultivate a sense of humor: take advice from your mother.
10. If light is both wave and particle, no point in dusting.
11. Baseless hatred is evil.
12. Hating the Cubs is not baseless.
13. Cultivate understanding: live for at least three months in a place where your native tongue is not the official language.
14. Write an ethical will. Good practice for making yourself understood.
15. Men: wear a tie as seldom as possible.
16. Women: re: pantyhose: see #15.
17. Your religion is healthy for you in direct and inverse proportion to the amount of time you spend trying to force that religion on other people.
18. Not forgiving is toxic. When in doubt -- and even if not -- forgive.
19. And if you can't forgive, make a voodoo doll of the person you can't forgive. Then give it little shoulder massages and micro-manicures. You won't believe the results.
20. You can't go home again, but you can refinance.
21. Your parents had no idea what they were doing. 
22. Neither do you.
23. The difference between parental calamity and parental calm: genetics, and #6 and 7 above.
24. Ballroom dancing looks corny and uptight, but it sure is fun.
25. The last piece of cake contains more calories than the rest of the cake combined.
26. Don't eat after 7PM. If you need calories, switch to alcohol.
27. There is an omnipotent and unforgiving presence that rules your life.
28. Fortunately, your mother-in-law lives in Arizona and doesn't know how to "friend" on Facebook.
29. A teenager is like a dog with a cell phone.
30. It's probably better they're "sexting" than smelling each others' butts.
31. "Don't ask, don't tell" is crappy policy in the White House or any house.
32. Stay in touch with old friends. They're the ones who know what you're like underneath.
33. Your loyalty to your college football team is deeply boring. Nobody cares.
34. If you don't spend as much time listening to your friends as talking, you ain't no friend.
35. It's good to fast all day, at least one day a year; if for no other reason than you realize how much more you eat than you need.
36. Freaking out about big birthdays is a waste of time.
37. Think of what you'd like people to say about you at your funeral.
38. Then pay someone to say it, because #37 is never gonna happen.
39. Figure out how much energy you're wasting in your home.
40. Then look at the rest of your life. Odds are, they're proportional
41. If you want to learn about yourself, and aren't afraid, ask a teenager who knows you well to imitate you.
42. Get help for the following afflictions: gout, self-loathing, kleptomania, sleep apnea, Seasonal Affective Disorder, or being a Yankee fan.
43. Never be afraid to start something new.
44. A good alias helps.
45. Everything is impermanent, except your extra weight and my neighbor's toupee.
46. If you're doing forgiveness right, you've forgiven before the deed.
47. Which means it's too late to forgive me for this list.
48. If you've read this far, all the advice in the world won't save you.
49. Please forgive me.
50. Good job. See how far you've come?

Happy Happy --

T.A.

Comments

[Rachel]

I made it all the way. One of my favorites, of course, is #32. Happy Birthday to you tomorrow. Celebrate well--sounds like you know how.

[Starry]

I've never seen so much worthy advice in one place. 29/30 has a certain timely appeal, but the rest are pure gold too.
Mazal tov on a life richly examined and still worth living!
Till 120.

[Danny]

Brilliant wisdom! Except for #12 which is evil. Wishing the best of birthdays to my former Michael Reese nursery mate. Is there still any chance we were accidentally switched in the fall of 1959? I want in on all the good Gottlieb genes...

[May]

Oh no, I get to know about your birthday when it's already passed.
What do they say in this case? "Happy belated birthday"!

You were born October 6, right? I should be able to keep it in mind since my youngest was born on the same day.

I very much like n.43: Never be afraid to start something new.

[karen]

Happy b-day- and for next yr, too, if i'm late for that one.

I counter #49 w/ #46. You are loved.